Both you AND your dog have therapists, psychics, personal trainers and cosmetic surgeons. You've ever scraped your elbows trying to get something out of a dumpster. Your wife thinks her thighs look thinner in Spandex. You wish those nosy, pencil-pushing retards at the Division of Insurance Fraud would leave you the hell alone. You've seen someone spray their telephone with Lysol after you used it. Your idea of good luck is finding arm rest towels to match leopard skin slip covers.
If you're here illegally, they want to give you one. You fix slower-than-dog-shit traffic lights with a 12 gauge shotgun. Your kids end up on milk cartons before you notice they're missing. Your girlfriend breaks her ankle bracelets on your rearview mirror.
During nearly six decades in comedy, Joan Rivers insulted many with her caustic one-liners, but she was at her best when she directed her venom at herself.
Dear Daryn, An estimated 0.2 percent of marriages in the United States are between individuals who are second cousins or closer — that means there are about 250,000 people in America in those relationships.
I know you asked about first cousins, but all the research I’ve found uses second cousins as the benchmark of consanguinity (more commonly known as intermarriage).
Your kids supply the neighborhood with WILL WORK FOR FOOD signs. Your kids have to call a 1-900 phone sex number if they need to reach you at work.
You store an emergency six-pack in the toliet tank. Your husband's idea of an extended orgasm is holding back until he gets his zipper down.
-The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse. You went ahead and ordered that lackhead remover since it came with a free potato peeler.
in a congregation of 500 members, there are only ten last names in the church directory. You've tried to get credit with your sweepstakes finalist notifications. You've been to a baby shower that has two mothers and a sperm donor. You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans are grown, and you can taste the difference between Sumatran and Ethiopian. Your mother told a State Trooper she'd take a beathalyzer when her butt learned how to chew bubblegum. You grew up believing a woman with no teeth was gifted. Your contest entry on "How to Avoid the Repo Man" won you a set of jumper cables. - Your grandmother has "ammo" on her Christmas list. -You've been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog. Your dad always thought that having more than one toothbrush in the house was a waist of money.-You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean. -You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it. -You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say "Cool Whip" on the side. -Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV. -A tornado hits your neighborhood and does 0,000 worth of improvements. -You missed your 5th grade graduation because you were on jury duty. -You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it. a member of the church requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive truck because "It ain't never been in a hole it couldn't get out of" (Love it! You've ever had to fish one of your wife's favorite shoes out of the septic tank. the choir robes were donated by (and embroidered with the logo from) Billy Bob's Barbecue. Your local laundromat doubles as your day care center.